Facebook has become a revolutionary tool of communicating, social networking and making friends and foes. Yes, even foes easily keep in touch and stoke their feuds, long distances notwithstanding. Family disputes are now tabled and resolved on Facebook with inputs welcome from any passerby interested in the affair.
Some marriages have also collapsed, unraveling right before our eyes, on the social platform, as dirty linens are shamelessly washed in public.
The mass protests and revolutions sweeping across North Africa and the Middle East have been linked to the awareness, mobilization and critical mass for change that was ignited using the social network.
Facebook is now a veritable tool for political campaigns and a platform for declaration of political aspirations as Goodluck Ebelemi Jonathan demonstrated to his teeming supporters. General elections are now monitored and have taken a different hue with the advent of the social media.
It is therefore imperative to analyze who the users of the social forum are. From my experience, Facebook users can be categorized into seven broad types.
1. THE MOLES
The moles creep into your network of friends insidiously. They usually initiate the friendship. They bear names like “Boris Yeltsin” from Russia. Moles have hundreds and sometimes thousands of friends on the network if you bother checking their profile. But the strange thing is that they have never posted anything or responded to any post – ever!
Their Facebook profile picture is usually abstract and inoffensive. All the years they have been on Facebook, nothing has ever been on their minds and no post by any of their contacts has been interesting enough to catch their fancy for them to make a comment. It is as if they are ghosts.
Perhaps because of my suspicious turn of mind and a wild imagination, I suspect that the moles are “planted” either by the State Secret Service (SSS), Interpol or the Facebook team to gain information or just keep a tab on things! They get a feel of what’s afoot or buzzing on the network from the moles.
This reminds me of the man that ranted and cursed a Nigerian state governor on FB and was subsequently picked up and detained by the Nigerian Police. I shudder to think what the Interpol or SSS will do to me now for revealing the modus operandi and inner workings of their moles?
It could be reasonably argued though that the “mole” Facebook accounts belong to people who have passed on or created a new profile and abandoned the old. But I’m sticking to the mole theory. It sounds more exciting!
2. THE SELF-ABSORBED CELEBRITIES
They are extremely annoying, very popular, unapologetically conceited and on an unending ego trip. They usually have a minimum of about 10,000 contacts or fans. Competition is rife among the celebs to have the highest number of contacts or fans. They frequently announce in all “modesty” the number of zealots following them on twitter or that are stuck to their Facebook page and walls, clinging like vines or as if they have nothing better to do with their lives.
The large following validates and establishes in their small minds their celebrity status. They usually post the gamut of dramatic emotions, from the mundane to the most titillating self-centered post you could ever imagine. The world is seemingly at their feet and the earth revolves around their personal axis. They don’t tolerate dissenting voices to their “ME” posts.
A typical trashy post could be: “I just farted!” Immediately, over 5000 people will like it. Another 6000 will comment on the post, complimenting them on the quality of their fart. Others will wish on their wall that they could fart as elegantly as the celebs! I consider them a bunch of annoying retards!
3. QUOTERS
They are an interesting breed. All they ever post are curious and tragic quotations taken from books and sometimes, from their putrid stench, evidently picked up from the gutters, sewage and garbage dumps. The quotes are just dropped on your plate with no explanations. It could be a quote from Adolph Hitler or Osama Bin Laden urging all “zealots” to create some havoc or cause deadly destruction.
This bland group lacks any originality and seemingly has nothing interesting enough happening in their everyday lives to share with us or for the moles to write in their weekly report or briefings. They are a disappointing and predictable lot, honestly.
4. RANTERS, RAVERS AND PUFFERS
It is best to keep away from this group. They are misery personified. They can turn your joy to sorrow just by reading one of their posts on an otherwise beautiful day. They are annoyed with everything and everyone. They rant about organized religion, sex, the government, their employer, their children/wards, television, global politics, FIFA and the world at large.
Their Facebook notes or tirades are countless. They engage in petty quarrels with unseen people or unknown forces! A typical post will be: “I thought you were a friend but you stabbed me in the back! I’m going to get you!” The moles usually keep a close tab on these angry souls. They could easily be recruited as underwear bombers.
5. THE PREACHERS
The preachers simply preach. These are the imams, priests and pastors that teach on Facebook. Their intent is to engineer spiritual change, stamp out societal follies and save your soul and the world at large from self destruction.
They quote copiously from the Bible, Koran, Talmud, proverbs of the ancestors and other holy books. Unfortunately, not many appreciate or thank them for this selfless and noble service or even bother reading their posts.
There are complaints that the preachers often can’t stomach dissenting opinions or voices. It is their way or the highway! The moles usually keep a close tab on the preachers. An Osama Bin Laden recruiting suicide bombers or a Pastor Jones itching to burn the Koran could be developing. A typical post will be: “Beware ye stiff-necked people, the end-time clock is ticking away!”
6. THE INFORMANT
The informant keeps everyone updated. They have the latest gist, gossip and scandal at their fingertips and dish the dirt with glee! Their posts are usually interesting and scandalous. The Self-Absorbed Celebrities find the Informants irritating as they expose their secret lives. The moles however love the informant as they provide enough materials to report weekly to their bosses and appear busy.
If you need information on the latest movie showing at the cinemas, the workings of the new ipad or the latest YouTube post that has gone viral, you check out what the informant has posted.
7. PICTURE IMPERFECT
These set of users only post personal pictures on Facebook and tag almost everyone on the social network. Oh, for the love of Mike! Not you again! I usually groan to myself as they tag me in yet another unflattering picture of themselves, smiling as usual with crooked teeth, squinting with crossed eyes and for Pete’s sake, is that a mustache on her upper lip?! OMG!
Their endless pictures posts chronicle every event of their sad existence. You can write the story of their lives just by looking at the pathetic and unsightly pictures. Their contacts that are frequently tagged have little option other than to compliment them while they make a grimace of excruciating pain.
It is possible though that Facebook users may not neatly fit into any one of these seven boxes or types. They are most likely a mix of some of these broad categories at one point or the other. If we look honestly at the man in the mirror, we will identify our natural dispositions on Facebook.
Warning: Some parts of this article were written tongue in cheek.
Which type are you?
