Many have argued that a man cannot genuinely love more than one woman. They argue that if it is more than one then it is lust or infatuation. They also posit that ‘real love’ transcends any degree. That is, if you really love a woman it is 100 per cent, it can’t be shared with any other one, else lust comes in.
Is there any merit in this popular and strongly articulated position? Perhaps we should agree first on what love means to have a common ground.
The Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary defines love as, 1) strong feeling of deep affection for somebody, 2) strong feeling of affection for somebody that you’re sexually attracted to, 3) the strong feeling of enjoyment that somebody or something gives you, 4) a person, thing or an activity that you like very much.
It is only commonsensical and normal that a man can have the above defined feelings for two different women. I guess the question most folks (women and girls especially) really want to ask is: Should a man act on these feelings? Should he act on these natural instinct or attraction and go after all these women? Now that’s a different question! But it will amount to self-deception and delusion to opine that a man cannot have strong feelings of affection for more than one woman at the same time. It simply happens!
But a disciplined man in a committed relationship or who has taken marital vows with a particular woman, won’t act on these feeling except in the instance where his religion or personal beliefs allows marrying more than one wife.
We’re only taught by culture or societal norms to love one person in a relationship at a time. The capacity to love others is infinite especially as no two people are the same. Should one chase two relationships at the same time is another matter.
This widely held misconception may have been started by puritans and those at the helm of religious affairs to control those with roving eyes and hearts. It also gives a measure of comfort to women that once they are the apple of a man’s heart, he will look no further. But this is scant consolation in the face of harsh reality. It is better to face the bitter truth of the matter than to be ensconced in the comfort of self-deceit.
It seems we confuse fidelity, commitment and marriage with the issue of love. Marriage as an institution excludes all others not in the union. Fidelity means staying faithful to your spouse or ‘loved’ one. A man can love any number of women he opens his heart to. Love comes in degrees. We can speak of the degree or intensity of love for each of these different women but not that it must be infatuation to have strong feelings for more than one woman.
Should a man pursue all the women he has feelings of deep affection or passion for? That's a moral and different question altogether!
Some religions allow marrying up to four wives. And to varying degrees the husband loves all his wives. He may have a personal ranking of his level of affection for these women but that does not mean he doesn't love each of them.
Each individual brings different flavours to the table. How can he not love each of them for their different pleasing attributes? It is a fallacy to keep insisting that there is no way a man can love two girls at the same time. And that one must be infatuation. Infatuation means to inspire with a foolish love or admiration. The men caught in these situations are neither foolish nor merely out to satisfy the flesh. They know what they feel and it is love.
Should a man therefore love two women or pursue two relationships at the same time because he has natural feelings? This is a moral question and it is different from: can a man love two women at the same time?
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